The Winds of Change

Hello Friends

There are many things in my life changing right now.

Marriage, job, goals, hopes, and dreams.

With so much going on lately, those last three on that list have been incredibly neglected. My goals, hopes, and dreams were to create something that can help me and my children find joy in life.

Explore, live a little more, get off the couch, create, and build new traditions.

I took a wrong turn somewhere and let myself give those three things to other people. Now that I'm realizing that there is so much more to life and that I can give my children memories they'll cherish forever - I've found a new motivation.

So much has been about things. Things and money. Money and things. But, where are the experiences in all of that? Where is the fun and the joy and the wonder? We seem to have lost that along the way.

I did visit Ireland with my son and yes, part of that trip made me realize that the work, the stress, the fights, and the sleepless nights that were put into that experience were well worth it. I gave my son something he can cherish forever and I have a memory for just the two of us.

However, that trip caused so many problems in my marriage. So many issues rose to the surface just because my son and I wanted to see something new and then come back home to share it with the people we love. So much jealousy, spite, anger, and fear saw us off in the worst possible way, followed us 4,500 miles across the pond, then also, unfortunately, welcomed us home in the same not-so-friendly-with-a-little-bit-of-booze-fueled-violence manner.

I won't be letting that happen again.

Narcissism and manipulation.

Two things that have destroyed many lives and continue to destroy many more: Narcissism and Manipulation.

My new goals, hopes, and dreams are to start a new life free from those two things. It is going to be a very LONG, hard road ahead, but the end is waiting for us and we can do this. My children and I. We can do this together and create more new experiences and find new adventures free from narcissism and manipulation. We can find our happiness again.

Unfortunately, finding happiness does still come with a price. So, we've implemented the "Squirrel Fund" in this house in order to assure we can cover the bills and still have some leftovers for activities.

It would be fantastic to get one big activity a month and a few smaller ones as well. However, we're going to start small and work our way up to that. In 3 years it'll be K's turn for a big school trip and I believe that one is to Greece. Greece!!

Starting to save for it now isn't a bad idea. For how hard it was to get where I needed to be with the Ireland trip, along with the bills I had to cover each month, I'd rather be 3 years ahead. Then if the trip doesn't go as planned (school changes or country changes) we'll take that money and go somewhere she chooses. Nitty Gritty details aside - we'll make something work.

Why is adulting so hard? Do you remember when the biggest issue you had to face was if someone else in your class was wearing the same shirt you found at K-Mart? Or whether or not the other kids would like your new shoes?

Honestly, all that matters is how you feel when you wake up in the morning. How your kids are growing mentally and physically. Are they generally happy? Are you generally happy? Is your partner happy? Do you like where you're at in life? Are you worrying about the important things or sweating over every small thing? How can you change your outlook on life? How can you focus on happiness?

I've been very good at sluffing off the negatives over the years. I've lived with narcissism and manipulation for so long that I've had to develop some kind of mental and emotional block against all the negatives. And they came every single day. Every breath, every step I took, every choice I made - those negatives followed me and the kids everywhere. So, I learned to ignore them to keep the peace and that was the wrong idea.

Keeping the peace was stupid. Really f***ing stupid on my part. I should have kept my voice up and spoken my concerns out loud for the sake of my kids, but I didn't. I kept the peace. I was their safe space at the end of the day, yet I didn't try to fix anything until now. It's not too late, but it's damn late enough. I could have saved us all a lot of heartache and pain, yet I just...kept the peace.

We're going to find our own peace now. No matter what it takes.

Change is here.

Change is scary.

Change is good.

~ M