Things People Don't Warn You About Before Becoming a Parent




Kids are amazing, right? They're energetic, imaginative, creative, freakin adorable (most of the time) and the love they give is something that can never be replaced by anything else.

People love to talk about their kids: How smart they are, how cute they are, how amazing they are, how good they are at sports, etc. But they don't tell you everything...

Here is a list of things I wish I'd have known ahead of time:

  1. Within the first few days of their lives you will be completely covered in some kind of horrible smelling bodily fluid that could have come from either end of your baby.
  2. That cute little smile they do when they're sleeping? They either farted or shat.
  3. They NEVER sleep. Why do people always say, "Oh I slept like a baby last night!" Oh...so you didn't sleep at all?? Because I've never met a baby that sleeps all damn night long.
  4. You will change your clothes from 5-7 times a day if not more due to point #1.
  5. You will leave your house covered in something disgusting due to point #1 without knowing it until someone either points it out or sneers at you.
  6. You will be farted on almost every time you start eating a meal. And it will NOT smell like flowers.
  7. You be required to shop through screams, tantrums, shit explosions, and many other uncomfortable, embarrassing, and odorous situations.
  8. Strangers will try to stick their fingers in your offspring's mouth. (Do not let them. I smacked an old woman with dirty hands on the arm that stuck her finger in my sons mouth at 6 months and I don't feel one bit of regret.)
  9. When you get a babysitter you will more than likely be too damn tired to stay out past 11 and if you do make it out later - your milk filled jublies will have you pumping like a fiend in a dirty public bathroom to avoid that dreaded boob milk oval of wetness that dries and solidifies into a mortifying white substance that cannot be easily hidden.
  10. If you are breastfeeding - lots and lots and lots of strangers will see your boobs. And personally, I'd rather NOT put on a peep show. Some women don't mind and more power to them, but it's just not my thing.
  11. Again, if you are breastfeeding - your weird friends will comment on how ginormous said boobs have gotten every time they see you and a few of them will (for some fricken reason) try to touch them. They hurt. Like - a lot. Don't let anyone touch them.
  12. People will ask you for every detail of your birth - down to how blown out your bagina may have gotten. (I'm not sure why this happens, but it does. And in case you're wondering I had 2 c-sections...no blow outs for this lady.)
  13. After your children are about 6 months to a year old - for some messed up reason, you will willingly give out every tiny detail about your birth, including how blown out your bagina may have gotten...don't do that either. It's gross. You can at least leave your bagina out of it.
  14. You will HAVE TO answer some of the weirdest questions you've ever been asked whether you have the answer or not. And you will make up some of the most believable answers that will even amaze yourself when this happens.
  15. You will cause a scene in numerous public places trying to keep your child from causing a scene in numerous public places...
  16. You will accidentally baby talk your friends or husband from time to time. It's hard to break that habit. I told my husband once that he had some "schmutz on his wittle lippy". I'm sure you can imagine the look he gave me.
  17. You will lose a TON of friends that don't have kids of their own. Don't stress about this one - if they were really your friends they'd put up with you baby nonsense with a smile on their faces.
  18. A diaper bag will become your new purse and your regular purse will be filled with random baby items. Mine contains a tiny dog, cow, and rabbit, along with about 8 suckers that come in necessary when you really need them to shut up.
  19. You will regret ever thinking that your mom was annoying or nuts, because you will become her and you'll realize why she was nuts in the first place. Way to go...it's YOUR fault her hair is gray. Go apologize, right now.
  20. You will spend the next undetermined amount of years peeing, pooping, and showering with an audience that will demand sandwiches while you're in the middle of doing those things.
  21. Last on this list (definitely not last in general, I just can't list them all) you will do things that embarrass the hell out of you and you know what? You'll enjoy it. Because the looks on those sweet little faces are worth it. Those sweet little faces love you.
There are SO many more that I could add right now, but MY children are currently involved in a stir-fry food fight...

Any more you'd like to add - leave a comment below :)

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